I decided to open Twitter. Why did I do that?! I see #freekesha. I'm thinking"oh no has she spiraled did she get arrested? Please don't let her go the Lindsay route."But no ...she lost her injunction to cease recording with dr.luke at Sony. My heart sank. I know way too well what's it's like to be in a studio feeling trapped with someone that's tormenting you. The word "contract" makes my stomach turn and skin itch. I immediately lost oxygen. Why was this happening to Kesha ? Why did it happen to me? Why don't courts care about our hurt ?
I decided to not have an entire breakdown in Starbucks ...jumped on the 2 and headed home. On the train I'm standing there holding onto a pole with my left arm...the one which pops every time I try to raise my hand up from having it dislocated by my abuser. I'm trapping tears in my eyes...sia is singing ,she be knowing ... I notice the man sitting in front of me offers me his seat. Wow a gentleman. I sit ,he stands ...right. In. Front.of.me. His dick is now at my eye level . WHAT A JERK. can't a girl exhibit a little vulnerability in peace. Hold it together look away. He's mouthing something. I can't hear you. Look away. Avoid eye contact. This is your stop. Walk home. Never look weak on the train again.
I come in,talk to my girl for a bit. She heads out .... I try to function ,try to eat. Yea food helps. I'm in the kitchen. I don't need to eat. I'm getting chubby again. You must look like a pop star. Will you ever be a pop star ? It's taking forever? If you never got hurt you would've been on already ....if you weren't weak ,if you weren't fragile ,if you weren't stupid, or distracted or grieving ,if you grieved faster ,why are you so slow... Be stronger. I couldn't breathe I was crying profusely . Finding out that this judge decided Kesha's recording contract was more important than Kesha's rape ... This had been an emotional trigger in the worst way.
These men and their contracts preying on girls that just want to create ,that just want to be great, I read an article that called Kesha " dramatic" for wearing a white blouse and trousers. .... Biased journalism ,guiding the reader ... Victim blaming. It's just disgusting rape culture is at an all time swole.
Being raped is the most traumatizing ordeal ... Admiting to have been raped worse,
You're questioned,you're blamed, you're poked and prodded and slut shamed ,especially if you aren't the quenticential innocent prude Ingenue. Recovering from rape ,recovering from a abuse at all is an unwinding road of painful self discovery that constantly begs the question "how did I get here? I'm not supposed to be here!?
Prosecuting your abuser well that's the pits. Having to trust the people that kill us ,to stop someone from trying to kill us then trusting the legal system to rectify the situation in some way ... Then they let you down. They tell us to speak up ,to get help then when you do there's no resolve. No hero. No justice. Are all rapists and abusers of surviving victims just laughing at us ? I saw my abuser on Instagram the other day on another artists' page. Living his life ,free,seemingly happy,unscathed.
I'm happy,well I have joy.I've moved on ,well I moved.I've recovered well I'm healing.
Healing takes time it takes work and I pick the scab and open the wound every time I numb or regress or have a setback . "Moving on"wasn't working for me."Getting over it"wasn't serving me. See those sentiments to me translated to eat drink and be merry .... Dive into life head first and push yourself,date, without ever taking the time to heal. This time I want to actually do the work, I got hurt, I gotta get a cotton swab, rubbing alcohol ,and neosporin it. Just smacking a bandaid on my broken heart isn't working anymore. Just shaking it off and getting back on the bike isn't working for my psyche.
The justice system doesn't have to care about us if they don't want to but we do. We have to. God chose us to survive horrific things for a reason. Some beauty must come out of it we have just got to let it.
I cried for Kesha,I cried for me , I cried for every woman that ever spoke out ... For every woman that now won't speak out ... And for every woman that doesn't have the option because it killed her.
I pray for the day rape and abuse is as distant a memory as the dinosaurs roaming the earth. If we do the work it can be. If we do the work it can be.