Tuesday, January 10, 2017

Kesha & i

I I was in Starbucks,hungover ,head phones in ear ....sia was singing me off the ledge. A guy was trying to ask if anyone wasn't sitting with me ,if I minded him taking the chair, to sit with me ....something to that affect. I couldn't hear him ,"do whatever you want" I hissed. After hearing how ugly I sounded I pulled my headphones out and apologized. " I'm sorry ,I just ,im stressed out " he stopped me there. " it's ok...don't stress. He smiled and continued to type on his lab top.  I was off the hook. Just like that. No forced,extended small talk prying . I was ...ok

I decided to open Twitter. Why did I do that?! I see #freekesha. I'm thinking"oh no has she spiraled did she get arrested? Please don't let her go the Lindsay route."But no ...she lost her injunction to cease recording with dr.luke at Sony. My heart sank. I know way too well what's it's like to be in a studio feeling trapped with someone that's tormenting you. The word "contract" makes my stomach turn and skin itch. I immediately lost oxygen. Why was this happening to Kesha ? Why did it happen to me? Why don't courts care about our hurt ? 
I decided to not have an entire breakdown in Starbucks ...jumped on the 2 and headed home. On the train I'm standing there holding onto a pole with my left arm...the one which pops every time I try to raise my hand up from having it dislocated by my abuser. I'm trapping tears in my eyes...sia is singing ,she be knowing ... I notice the man sitting in front of me offers me his seat. Wow a gentleman. I sit ,he stands ...right. In. His dick is now at my eye level . WHAT A JERK. can't a girl exhibit a little vulnerability in peace. Hold it together look away. He's mouthing something. I can't hear you. Look away. Avoid eye contact. This is your stop. Walk home. Never look weak on the train again. 

I come in,talk to my girl for a bit. She heads out .... I try to function ,try to eat. Yea food helps. I'm in the kitchen. I don't need to eat. I'm getting chubby again. You must look like a pop star. Will you ever be a pop star ? It's taking forever? If you never got hurt you would've been on already ....if you weren't weak ,if you weren't fragile ,if you weren't stupid, or distracted or grieving ,if you grieved faster ,why are you so slow... Be stronger. I couldn't breathe I was crying profusely . Finding out that this judge decided Kesha's recording contract was more important than Kesha's rape ... This had been an emotional trigger in the worst way.

These men and their contracts preying on girls that just want to create ,that just want to be great, I read an article that called Kesha " dramatic" for wearing a white blouse and trousers. .... Biased journalism ,guiding the reader ... Victim blaming. It's just disgusting rape culture is at an all time swole.

Being raped is the most traumatizing ordeal ... Admiting to have been raped worse,
You're questioned,you're blamed, you're poked and prodded and slut shamed ,especially if you aren't the quenticential innocent prude Ingenue. Recovering from rape ,recovering from a abuse at all is an unwinding road of painful self discovery that constantly begs the question "how did I get here? I'm not supposed to be here!?
Prosecuting your abuser well that's the pits. Having to trust the people that kill us ,to stop someone from trying to kill us then trusting the legal system to rectify the situation in some way ... Then they let you down. They tell us to speak up ,to get help then when you do there's no resolve. No hero. No justice. Are all rapists and abusers of surviving victims just laughing at us ? I saw my abuser on Instagram the other day on another artists' page. Living his life ,free,seemingly happy,unscathed. 

I'm happy,well I have joy.I've moved on ,well I moved.I've recovered well I'm healing. 
Healing takes time it takes work and I pick the scab and open the wound every time I numb or regress or have a setback . "Moving on"wasn't working for me."Getting over it"wasn't serving me. See those sentiments to me translated to eat drink and be merry .... Dive into life head first and push yourself,date, without ever taking the time to heal. This time I want to actually do the work, I got hurt, I gotta get a cotton swab, rubbing alcohol ,and neosporin it. Just smacking a bandaid on my broken heart isn't working anymore. Just shaking it off and getting back on the bike isn't working for my psyche. 

The justice system doesn't have to care about us if they don't want to but we do. We have to. God chose us to survive horrific things for a reason. Some beauty must come out of it we have just got to let it.
I cried for Kesha,I cried for me , I cried for every woman that ever spoke out ... For every woman that now won't speak out ... And for every woman that doesn't have the option because it killed her. 
I pray for the day rape and abuse is as distant a memory as the dinosaurs roaming the earth. If we do the work it can be. If we do the work it can be. 

Friday, February 19, 2016

Two words. Many problems.

Rape culture. 

Domestic violence. Sexual assault. Speaking out. No justice. Court fails. Free rapists. Free abusers. No support. Move on. Be strong. Don't complain. Stop crying. Do something. You lived . Slut shaming. Victim blaming. Support system. Court system. Took everything. Robbed me. Stolen life. Won't end. Still hurts. No idea. Not me. Really Happened .no evidence. Some bruising. Rape kit. Disappointed parents. Empty inside. Drink more. Get help. Seek counseling.fake friends. Better choices. Jail time. Why me. He's out. I'm broken. In shock. Not better. Kinda normal. Fucked up. Other victims.young girls .time heals. False love.its over.constant Flashbacks .emotional triggers. Crazy girl. Good kid. Weird lady. Rape victim. Abuse survivor. My story. 

Our country has got to do better. 

Wednesday, February 17, 2016

Kanye & Pablo .

I think I identify .

Grief is such a deeply personal experience .until you're grieving. Then you realize you hold no ownership in the estate of your own pain. It's the house of everyone watching you Juding you experiencing before after and during your time of loss.its their house of your grief and they tell you where to sit in it.they tell you when to get up and get out and get over it.
 They decide how long you're allowed to stay within the walls of your grief . They decide how you are supposed to feel.
In grief you discover just how heartbroken you are and how heartless the world is. 
Thats what kills the last part of you left after your loss.... Discovering that you're bleeding out and no one truly gives a fuck and they don't want you to give a Fuck either. That's where the monster is born.
After about the 40th sorry for your loss and urge to act normal and "move on"
 When you're a creative you're already existing as a functioning island. We take different ferries to normalcy but generally we spend a life on our island wondering how we got there wondering why God made us this way ...
 Banished to this complexity of life trying to understand what to do with  this beautiful island to explore ... But resenting to do so Virtually alone , 
sending them smoke signals showing them that yes we are existing way over here, thinking just the right spectacle will bring them in to validate our existence immortalize our legacy & be tangible evidence that we deserve human contact & adoration.
 , the other time in attempt to convince ourselves that we are just fine left out shut out kicked out of the very world we wish to reflect.  yelling fuck it and fuck you and surrendering to a life of solitude and introversion.  Because after all. Self love is all that's truly needed. They don't have to get it. 

I call this the cycle of the artistic mind.

Thus my understanding of "the life of Pablo "as an album title.  this epiphany came after binge watching narcos last night. Pablo Escobar was a drug trafficker....(the best at it actually ) that desperately wanted inclusion from politicians , oligarchs, respected affluent members of the government. Even though he had to buy his way in ,squeeze his way in ,force his way In. THATS where he wanted to be even to the risk of his actual craft ....and when they made it clear that they wanted him out he threw a tantrum. 

Not unlike Kanye and fashion .... And his emotions.
Pablo for president. ...Kanye for president ....

My high school acting coach told me .... "you spot it you got it. " there's something in me that identifies ,seeing as I'm able to spot that in each of them. I've yearned to be great to be iconic ,longed to belong in the world of the affluent. I went to Marymount Manhattan for christs sake. Then when I didn't feel like one of them I juxtaposed in the worst way,  All while numbing the affects of trauma , grieving significant losses. It happens..... It happens in public when you're great. 

Thursday, January 28, 2016

Song writer problems

Up writing songs. Thinking about how to write better songs. And what a good song even means in 2016
Writing songs ....

It's such a thing. I can't quite describe the thing but I can describe what it means to me. 
A song that we call good resonates with people. It has a way of viscerally sitting in someone's life experience so easily. A good  song writer is a master at this. But also a "good song" can just be a song that is easily digestible and easy to regurgitate by the masses. So being good at creating something people can swallow make you a good songwriter? 
This too is qualifiable. If we let the bubble gum pop era happen how can we judge this trap era. Both music teetered on the line of remedial sometimes. But those by all accounts are good songs. SEE MY PREDICAMENT!?!? 
So how. How does one balance telling my whole life with (his) song .... And speaking for the masses !? 
I think that I am a great songwriter.  But I want to be better I want to be awesome I want to be one of the best. So I'm always studying always searching always pushing myself to find the best ways to journey through complexity to a place of accessibility.

Friday, December 4, 2015


Had the honor of speaking with young girls most of which were survivors of sexual assault on dating violence and domestic abuse. I definitely want to do more as an advocate to raise awareness and ultimately end this terror that has been going on too long against our women with my DoMeStic2it cause. 

I call it waiting to exhale brown.

I've completely fallen in love with this new lipstick hue. 

Sunday, November 29, 2015

Life and shit

Miscommunications lead to complications. 

As I travel the road of development I find more often than not that people are incorrigibly connected to their own perceptions. People aren't just people. People become subject to definitions others place upon them.  Once someone is committed to believing something of you to be their truth they will force themselves to see that limited view of you they found in the whole of you. Be clear that doesn't define you it defines that person it defines the needs of that person.